Basic Communication

Recently, it has been brought home to me, once again, just how important it is to ask the right questions. Sometimes it seems we focus solely on getting the information, and formulating the solution. But how easily we can be misled by the results if we neglect to ask the right questions.

Asking effective questions is actually an art that we can develop and forms the basis for truly effective communication. Tony Robbins, the motivational expert, says that thinking is actually a process of asking and answering questions. Think about that. It's true! You are constantly asking yourself questions and answering them. The quality of your questions, determines the quality of the answers.

Jesus was a master at this skill.
He asked the woman at the well - "Where is your husband?" (John 4:16);
He asked His disciples, "Who do you say I am?" (Luke 9:20); and
"Who is the faithful and wise servant?" (Matthew 24:45);
He asked the crowd, "Who are my mother and my brothers?" (Mark 3:33);
He asked His disciples, "Who touched My clothes?" (Mark 5:30); and
"Whose portrait is on this coin?" (Matthew 22:21; and
He asked the Pharisees, "Why are you thinking these things in your hearts?" (Luke 5:21).

He never failed to ask the penetrating question that cut through all the fluff and pierced directly to the heart of the matter. As a biblical health coach, I have learned to ask my clients clear, focused, open-ended questions that require an honest, thoughtful response. I am learning to do the same thing with the questions and answers I engage in within myself. If I want a higher quality response, I have to train myself to ask a higher quality question.

How often do we find ourselves circling issues? Not wanting to offend someone, or make them uncomfortable, we go 'round and 'round, never coming close to dealing with the real issue. What a waste of time! In the name of being polite, inoffensive and "politically correct" we skirt the meat and potatoes and deal instead with non-essentials. Especially if you are like me and do not like conflict and confrontation, this can be a real pitfall.

In health, it can mean the difference between life and death, between healing and sickness. I can relate this to something that happened to my father. He felt ill during the night and called the doctor the next morning. Upon seeing the doctor he explained that "he had trouble going to the bathroom during the night." The doctor understood that to mean he had a bladder infection and prescribed an antibiotic. Unfortunately, what my dad actually meant (but did not explain) was that he couldn't get out of bed quickly enough because he felt weak and drained and almost didn't get to the bathroom on time. As a result, he was not being treated for the actual cause of the problem; the antibiotic caused side-effects that took months to reverse; and until he was properly diagnosed, the root of the problem remained.

As a parent I have learned to take the unpopular stand and speak the truth in love, even when it means my children will not "like" me very much for a time. When they present something they would like to do, asking the kind of pointed questions that bring to light all the facts, makes it possible to make the right decision.

I can actually tell when I am asking myself weak, ineffective questions. How? My answers are self-serving, lazy and unfocused. It shows unmistakably in my attitudes and follows in my actions.

So, let's make a conscious effort to formulate really effective, focused and specific questions - whether we are speaking to someone else or within ourselves. It's the first and most important step to really communicating in a way that makes a difference!