Speaking the Truth

We are told to speak the truth in love to each other (Ephesians 4:15). But where do you draw the line between being honest with someone and just sympathizing with them to make them feel better? While I try always to be mindful of not offending anyone or being harsh or hurtful, this is a difficult thing for me.

If you are like me and always want to leave people feeling better than when they met you, this can sometimes be a very difficult choice to make. Would it really matter? So what if you just "yes" them - agree and sympathize? How could it hurt anything? Besides you come off as the good guy - they get stroked and you look like a saint.

If you really care about the person - it's simply not an option. As parents, we are called on to do it continually. You probably have no problem whatsoever telling your child they cannot play in the street or pretend to cook with a real knife; or telling your teen they must be home by 9 pm or cannot go to a particular place because it is not safe. Pretty simple, straightforward and clear cut. So why is it so difficult to tell a friend a truth about something?

Well, part of it, I think is not wanting to hurt someone who is already hurting, but part is selfish - you don't want them to dislike you. Come on, admit it - you want to be liked. Period. We all do. But when you remove that desire from the equation and focus solely on the "truth" of the issue being discussed, it becomes a little easier.

I recently had to make this decision during a conversation with a friend who is experiencing serious family issues as well as health problems. She calls fairly often to tell me what's been happening. I realized that these calls were not only emotionally draining to me but nothing was changing. I was hearing the same story - just a different day - for years! I realized this command to speak the truth in love was one I was not obeying. I finally had to say that these calls simply rehashing and complaining about the situation were accomplishing nothing. She had repeatedly asked for suggestions on making some decisions and I shared what I thought. But she never did anything - except complain and sink deeper into the role of victim.

It was a painful conversation. I had to be honest and say what I felt she needed to hear. I apologized if I hurt her feelings but I couldn't have this same conversation myriad times for another ten years. Nothing will change unless someone takes a step. I pray fervently for her but she has not called since that last conversation. Perhaps she has found someone else to provide the sympathy she craves. Honestly I hope she really takes to heart what I said and is trying to make some progress. Regardless, I feel better that I didn't just tell her what she wanted to hear and leave her in the same condition.

This is definitely a basic - truth. We can't deal with any situation unless we get to the truth of the matter and deal with it. Nothing will change. Sometimes we have to be the agent of change in someone else's life. Be courageous - speak the truth, in love, and trust God to do the rest.